So, here are my 40 reasons NOT to recover. This is basically what my eating disorder says, and reasons that keep me in it.
1. I would have control
2. It is easier
3. I wouldn't have to fight and could just give up
4. I would get more attention
5. I wouldn't have to gain weight
6. I would never have to worry about getting fat
7. Seeing my body change
8. It is something I'm good at
9. The sense of self-control
10. It shows I'm disciplined
11. I have accomplished something
12. The dedication and hard work it took to get here
13. It's something I can hold on to
14. All the compliments I get
15. It is what I know to do
16. Everyone else is over-reacting
17. I have a sense of power
18. I get to wear small clothes
19. Never having to hear my mom tell me I have hips
20. The high I get from feeling hungry
21. Never having to feel full
22. Knowing I can just take laxatives if I eat too much
23. Feeling energized from diet pills
24. Not having to worry about a period
25. Being able to see my collar bones
26. Saving money on food
27. Seeing all the food in the cabinet and knowing I didn't eat it
28. Being able to make a meal out of coffee and gum
29. Having a set ritual
30. Being able to make my own rules
31. I don't have to change if I don't want to
32. I don't have to answer to anyone else
33. I proved that I could do it
34. I'm too far gone anyway
35. There's no way to get back to normal
36. It's just too hard to recover
37. I can just repent and ask for forgiveness later
38. People pay more attention
39. All the gifts and letters I've gotten
40. The feeling of reaching and accomplishing a goal that not many others could do
