So, I thought I would share my struggles from what I have written in my journal in the past. I don't expect others to understand all that I have gone through, but hopefully this will shed some light and encourage a few people. I know that there is hope, and I believe in freedom. I am real, and this is me.
From March 9, 2010
How did I end up here? I didn't even know how bad things were. I guess I tried living in denial for so long, suppressing my pain, while my body was literally wasting away. How did I ever get down to 80 pounds? I do not even know how sick I really am. That's how I ended up here, at Magnolia Creek treatment center. This is what it means to hit rock bottom. To know true desperation. I know I am finally getting the help I need. I have neglected myself, my needs, and my body for far too long. I do have a voice, and now it is crying out in utter despair. I am desperate for a cure, for healing, for wholeness. O God! I am crying out for strength. I simply cannot fight ED and this battle on my own. I am tired of worrying about school, my parents' finances, work, the summer, the future, and everyone else's problems. I need to focus on myself now and get the help I deserve. God, I know you are there even when you feel so far away from me. WHy is it so hard for me to believe that? Help me to trust my treatment team. This has already been a long, hard journey and I am ready to be rid of ED. My eating disorder has taken control of every area of my life- my relationships, my friends, my family, my thoughts, my schoolwork, my internship...and now it is time for me to fight back!
No comments:
Post a Comment