My most powerful letter

Here is what I believe to be the most powerfu and meaningful letters that I have written to date. It was during my deepest time of desperation, when I finally realized how out of control things had gotten, and I was done living in denial. In retrospect, I can see how far I've come since then, and yet how real and raw these feelings were. I don't know the exact date that I wrote this, but it was probably sometime in April 2010. I do realize that sharing this is being very vulnerable, but I am willing to take that risk in order to share my voice and stop living in darkness. So, here it is...

Dear God,
I don't really know what to say. I don't know how to express how I feel. You know how I feel. You know I am hurting. You know I am angry. There, I said it. I AM ANGRY! I am so frustrated with myself. I am overwhelmed with emotion. Please help me be able to express my emotions to others and tell them how I really feel. How can I expect others to know unless I tell them? I was to scream from the top of my lungs, to yell at the wind, to just let everything out. Oh how badly I want to be recovered. To finally be set free from ED and all these behaviors. I know I have to make a conscious effort, to really put in the work in order to make it. This is my life, my chance. Why can't I just be done with it all? I want my normal life back. I want to be the real, authentic Jess and nothing else. Why do I have to go through this? Right now, it makes no sense. I want to be understood. I feel like I've been beat down, and that scares me. I am angry at ED for making me be here. I am angry that I don't fully understand it. I am angry that it put me in this place. I am angry that it made me miss out on so many things in life. I am angry that it destroyed relationships. I hate you ED for breaking my parent's hearts. I hate you for breaking my heart. I hate you for coming in between my relationship with God. I hate you for being manipulative and deceiving. I hate how you convinced me to lie and be manipulative. I hate who I am when I am with you. That is not the true Jessica. She wants out. She wants to be free. FOREVER! Nothing less than true, authentic freedom. I want to climb on top of a mountain and scream FREEDOM! But you still hold me in chains and shackles. You still keep me down. I feel like a slave to you. You sucked the life out of me. I still feel bound when I deserve freedom. I deserve a life without ED. So why the heck am I still living with this sickening, debilitating disease? ED is so strong. So powerful. Sometimes I just feel so weak against it. Why does it have to be such a struggle? I need help. Oh God I need you. You are so much stronger and more powerful than my disorder. I beg you to take it away. I am sick of it! I am so fed up! I don't want to live this way! This is not how my life should be. I was made for more than this. My soul is longing for peace. Longing for hope. Longing for a way out. God give me a way out! Some way to get out of this hole. Out of this mess I got myself into. It's not fair! Pull me out God. Help me ask others for help. Help me to help myself. Help me be patient with myself. Help me eat what I'm supposed to eat, nothing more, nothing less. Help me to speak up when I have questions, when I'm confused. ED has silenced my voice for too long. He doesn't want me to ask questions, to speak up, to ask for help. He wants me to wander in the grocery store for hours, to buy food I don't need, to stare at a menu dumbfounded, to go through the trash. I am sick of these behaviors! I want to break this rediculous cycle. I cannot possibly continue these behaviors and live the life I want to live. The life of fulness, of fulfillment. I have a destiny, and it doesn't include ED. The destruction and devastation that ED has done is so overwhelming, so enormous. I hate you ED for putting me through so much anguish. If I could see you right now, oh what I would do to you! I would put all the shooting practice with my dad to good use, and he would help me. I would hunt you down and kill you. No, wait. I would make you suffer slowly. Just the way you made me suffer. I would make you cry out in agony the way you made me cry out in agony. You would finally feel the pain you made me endure. I would crush your spirit and make you feel hopeless. And then I would leave you for dead and walk away. I have clung for you for too long. I have been nurturing this relationship for too long. You will NOT steal my desires. You will NOT steal my joy. You will NOT steal my freedom. You will NOT steal my life. You cannot have me! I do not belong to you. I am sick of living as a slave to you. I hate how lonely I feel with you around. I hate going through the garbage. I hate spending hours in grocery stores. I hate spending Saturday nights sobbing in front of a toliet. You stole Thanksgiving and Christmas from me and my family. I hate feeling like a disappointment. I hate spending the night in a hospital bed, and spending days in a psych ward. Above all, I hate feeling like I deserve all that. I hate feeling guilty and shameful and embarrassed. I never deserved any of that. I don't deserve you. You have violated me in every possible way. You have taken away everything that I love in life. I want to know ED for what it truly is, to see what it has truly done. For only then can I recover. Only then can I truly break free. So don't be a coward, ED. Show your face. Stop being deceitful and malicious. You have done enough damage. I am through with the suffering. I am through with the lies. I have been beaten, degraded, crushed, lied to, and manipulated. But I will NEVER stop fighting. I will NEVER give up. I have a big and powerful God fighting for me, and a team full of soldiers on my side. You better watch your back!